Ça….?

Asking someone how they are doing usually consists of 2 parst: Ça and then some word.

For example: Ça boom?

This is usually used for Children. But sometimes they it is used in a playful way amongst friends.

Below some other ways to ask how someone is doing (and my attempt at translating them):

Ça Gazze? (Does it gass?)

Ça flot? (Does it float?)

Ça mousse?  (Does it mousse?)

Ça fart? (Does it wax?)

Ça grouve (Does it groove?)

The throwing of food

How ever the strangest thing is when they start throwing food at you…

Not literally (luckily) but the conversation could be as follows:

Tu as la peche? (do you have the peach)?

You could answer: Oui, or Oui, la patat! (the potato).

Once someone even answered: La Banane!
Recently, I even found out that “la banane” also means a smile from ear to ear.

So if they ask you if you are having a peach, don’t wonder about whether you look funny or whether you were supposed to bring fruit to the ocasion. Just answer “Yes and the potato as well”.

Disclaimer:
Just remember that anything you say in the French language is highly context sensitive. I found out after using “la banane” with several people that it’s actually better to only use it with friends.

Penetrating your foot

During a lunch recently I was sitting next to a lady. When I moved my chair I almost put the leg of my chair on her foot.  So I apologized and wanted to say sorry for almost piercing her foot. I said: “J’ai presque pénétré ton pied”. This means I almost penetrated your foot. However in French the verb penetrer is only used in a sexual context (there we go again).  I should have used something like “percer ton pied”  or “perforer ton pied”.

Short lick

I wanted to say that someone had a “short fuse” which in Dutch in an expression for saying someone is short tempered. I  said il a un leche court. Which means: “He has a short lick”. This made my colleagues think about all kinds of inappropriate stuff. I should have said Il a un meche tres court. The correct expression is il demare au quart tour. Which means that he already starts (like a car) when you turn the key 25% instead of all the way.

Eating doctors

I wanted to tell someone to take some medicin for something. So I said: “il faut que tu mange des medicins”. This means “You need to eat some doctors”. I should have said “medicaments” instead of medicins.

As with most language mistakes they have to do with sex. Not that I talk about that all the time, but the French just have a lot of words that deal with the subject. Let me just share my recent mistakes with you. 

Monte

During lunch we were talking about motor bikes. One of my colleagues might buy one in the future. I wanted to ask him to show it to me (us) when he does. So I said: tu vas nous monter?. this caused a lot of laughter. Apparently the verb monter  means to mount (for example a horse) and also has a sexual meaning (to mount someone… ahum). I should have said: Tu vas nous montrer? this means: to show. 

Coulliette

Again at work. One time I wanted to tell my colleagues where I would put the key to my cabinet for emergencies. I wanted to say that I would put it in the dresser under my desk which would have been “caisson” or perhaps “buffet” (I am far from a French language expert). However I said: “Couilliette” which means I would put the key in the little testicle.

So if you are looking for my key you know where to look for it .

In any case I can assure you that I have moved it  

P.S.

As always remember that in my experience the French really appreciate any effort you make to learn French. So please do not let this post discourage you from doing so.

All words and thus all things have a gender in French. There are masculine words that have “le” in front of it and there are feminine words that have “la” in front of it. For example, two weeks ago I discovered that a table is a lady: La table. This goes for most words ending with an e. A car by definition is also a girl: la voiture, I wonder why . When I ask French people why things are boys or girls they never really know apart from some philosophies about why a car must be a girl .

The difference in gender also shows up when talking about people. This is when it becomes difficult for a lot of people who are learning French. When I talk about someone’s car you would say his or her car depending on the owner. In French this depends on the object. So a car will always be her car, or in French: sa voiture. Or when they would talk about my wife’s newly obtained diploma: sont diploma, or his diploma. Because for some strange reason the diploma is masculine.

So when you talk about an object in French, remember: is it a boy or a girl? The owner doesn’t matter. 

The first one was recently talking to colleagues. I was looking at the grassfield in our courtyard and wanted to suggest that we play sports. So I said: Let’s play sports, I will bring the “boulon. Which means bolt / screw. “we play sports and he brings his screwdriver???”. I should have said: “ ballon” which is ball in French.

The second mistake was when talking to a lady. I always address her very formally (with “ vous”) because I think it is fun. However one day she asked me why I addressed her like this. So I said I liked to talk to her like if she was nobility. I talk to you like “un rein”. This means kidney. I like to talk to you like to kidneys. I should have said “Reine” which means to talk to her like if she was a queen.

Arriving at the Rotterdam station I descended into the station corridors. There I heard Dutch spoken with heavy accents. The accents were mostly Arabic. When I was a teenager I used to have a negative reaction to hearing these accents. I would stigmatize them with aggressive people or the negative prejudices I sometimes used to have about foreign groups.

Then I thought about my skills in French. They are very limited but I can do a simple meeting with colleagues now and manage my way around shops etc. However to the French a must sound heavily accented as well. I am now one of the foreign groups. Now I am the one needing to blend in. I am the one sometimes dealing with prejudices. I now understand more how hard it is to speak a foreign language, to blend in.

An apology on my side is all I can utter now towards all the prejudice I have had up till now. Now I understand more of what it feels like. Now I a foreigner in another country. Now I am one of them…

The first one occurred during the lunch. Someone asked where someone else was. The response I didn’t get. So I said: Elle est dans la cul? This means: she is in the ass? What they said was: elle est dans la queue, which means: She is in the line.

The next mistake I made was when a lady was helping me move my desk. She came up with all sorts of handy solutions to little problem and helped me organize. Then I said: Tu est très practicable. This means you are very usable (again in a sexual context). I should have said: Tu est très pratique.

The next one was during language class, I was describing the music at our church. I said: La Musique dans notre eglise est avec beaucoup de “bite“(sounds like beat, which I meant). This means that the music is with a lot of male marriage tools (If you know what I mean). I should have said: ”avec beaucoup de rythme”. The guy was wondering what kind of church we visit

The last one was when I wanted to wish someone a nice evening. She had talked about doing something nice that evening. So I wanted to say: Enjoy your evening. The dictionary said to use a certain verb. So I said it: Jouir ton soir. She looked at me with a really strange face. It turns out that jouir is only used in a sexual context (thanks dictionary). So I said to her: enjoy her your sex tonight. I should have said: passé une bonne soirée.

So you see that I am still all over the place with language mistakes. I know that I make more of them because I lack the normal barrier to communication. Luckily the French really still like my efforts and greatly appreciate them. So I can keep learning. So that’s it for today. And enjoy your evening, morning, afternoon etc

In our office I wanted to invite a colleague for a meeting in my office. He was in a chaired office and I had a private one that day. So I said: S’il vous plait visité ma chambre. They started to laugh immediately. It means please visit my bedroom, which means please have sex with me. Later I learned what it meant and made sure I wrote it down.

For English language course I said to my (female) teacher in the Netherlands: Je suis froid, I meant to say: I am cold But what I said was: I am not in the mood for sex.

The last one I will share this time is that I said I sometimes take my car to the garage on the corner. I said: Le garage a la con. This actually means the F*&^%ing garage. I should have said: le garage du coin.

Every time I make a mistake the other person would laugh. But also every time the other person would really stress the fact that they like me trying to learn French. So I would like to say the same to you if you move to France: Try to learn French, it’s greatly appreciated by the them(the French).